You say you want a.....

I havent continued writing my diary for different reasons.  First I guess is that I spend most of my days and nights watching TV news or reading news on the net.  The live coverage is the only way we can truly keep up to date with the ever-changing situation here.  It seems that since Mubarak's last speech, the government and the opposition are playing an irritating game of handball, alternately taking turns demanding what often seems to be the impossible from each other.

I also dont feel so comfortable making my true feelings public, at least not at this time and certainly not considering the obvious "dissillusionment" pro-Mubarak supporters have against westerners (including the media) here in Egypt.  I know I am not even a millionth of a drop in the huge ocean of public rhetoric here, but still one needs to be careful.

My life has been reduced to watching TV, cooking, cleaning and surfing the net since it came back a few days ago.  It's great to be online, that's for sure.  If for no other reason it is now easier to be in touch with my kids.

I would be lying if I said there werent times I havent been afraid here.  There have been a few moments when I felt myself nearing panic--perhaps gunshots in the street sounding too close for comfort, or needing to track down antibioics for an acute infection in my tooth and realizing it was past curfew and even if I could find them, they couldnt be delivered.  I dont know my neighbors.  Am I perhaps living in a building or area where people absolutely love the president and may hate foreigners, especially Americans?

I would also be lying if I didnt say I wish there would be a meaningful change here in Egypt.  I have been coming here and living here on a  regular basis since 1990.  I have seen the deterioration of the country and the breaking of the spirits of the people.  My recent blog posts about how frustrating life has become here, and the way the people here lie and cheat each other, and take huge advantage of those they perceive to be wealthy and priviliged foreigners.  I have been swindled here to be sure, and I blame this on the fact that the masses are becoming poorer and poorer, yet with the advent of satellite TV and internet, know there is more out there and feel entitled to it--even if it must be taken by dishonest or illegal means.

The situation here in total has become quite overwhelming.  As a foreigner who planned to live the rest of my life here, and planned to die and be buried here, I am now rethinking that decision.  I am of the age that I have expected more peace and contentment in my life.  I figure I have maybe 5 good years left where I can work.  I need to prepare for some kind of retirement--something I have not done until now.  I truly did not plan on having to spend as much money as I do living here, and having to fight for absolutely everything I need, or need to be done.  I need to feel more secure, and in control of my life.  I think seriously now of returning to the USA, but I am not near to making a decision.  It will be a long process.

I know I want change here.  But I am not a citizen and in reality do not have the right or privilege to work for it.  As a foreigner, I need to tread lightly.  I am considering my options.